keeping me awake.

do you ever have flash-forwards? yes. the opposite of flashbacks. where you are an outsider, an onlooker peering through the glass, hand cupped around your face pressed up against the pane. except instead of checking out someone else, you find yourself as the subject of your stalker-ism. i was sitting in my bed that is three feet off the ground, at four a.m. [no big deal], just chilling. when all of a sudden i see myself in a year in NYC at a photography school out in the middle of the mad chaos of the streets snapping away- so many objects, so many opportunities. it was the craziest of the crazies. i had never imagined myself ever being placed in NYC by God, and neither am I saying that now. it was just one of those moments. a moment of clarity, peacefulness, and contentment. a moment of right. which felt rather out of place since i've been feeling completely wrong since i got back from christmas break. i had just labeled it as homesickness...but could it be God speaking to me? leading me? showing me? i constantly pray for his direction, yet never seem to receive it. always thinking he's busy with some other believer who prayed harder, longer, or more sincere than I. but could it be? am i supposed to study photography in NYC? would i even get in anywhere? oh my mouth waters at the thought of all the scintillating photo opts there. seriously, NYC is like the melting pot, the smorgasbord for a photographer [as im sure it is for many other works]. and not only is my mind racing from opportunities from chinatown to the upper east side but also my heart is thumping. have i finally, truly received my own, personal call from my King?

i honestly can not say for certain. but either way i will be waiting by the phone for another call.

if he really means it, he'll call again.

they always call again when they've got meaning.

STOLEN PHOTO OF THE DAY:

(like i said--> schuman is unhuman! his photos make everyone seem unworldly with oozing coolness)

christmas of the new decade.

That was Christmas. My tree. Nice ornament eh?

This is now. I do not much like now. I have spent approximately 126 months sitting in a building learning about things, which 90% of the time I have 0% interest in. I know everyone goes through the "school years". But, seriously has anyone ever thoroughly enjoyed it? Dumb question. Of course those students who gobble up every sentence the teacher lets fall from his/her mouth would say they thoroughly enjoyed it. Well, that is not me. Not in the least.

Honestly, I just want to work. Yeah work. It is only because I have never had a steady career, never had to work a 9-5, 5 days of the week, way too many weeks out of the year. However! My optimist self is coming through...just wait...yeah here she comes. And here comes her thoughts:

I basically want to be the female version of Scott Schuman.

I want to be a photojournalist/journalist.

I want to take endless, gorgeous, sustaining, brilliant photos.

I want girls from age 14 (an appropriate age to start thinking about fashion) to age 70 (and thats an appropriate age to stop thinking about fashion) to drool endlessly over my photos.

I want these girls, or boys [if they so choose] to wonder how I make these ordinary [albeit uniquely stylish] people look utterly epic.

oh. And I want to go from Milan, to London, to Rio de Janeiro, to NYC and never stop. Yes, I want to be unstoppable. Jet lag will not keep me down.

But...it's quite hard to be endlessly cool. I do believe people are born with it...like they receive a calling at birth to a higher level of understanding. An understanding of what is just breathtaking.

And you declare, "Oh please define 'cool' ".

And I retort, "Indeed I will."

COOL: (adj)

A much too often repeated word used to describe the instilled essence of "just knowing" how to be/act/dress/talk.

cool does not equal popular

cool does not equal wealthy

cool does not equal sexy

cool does not mean unhealthy addictions

and ect.

Basically, I want to be one of the coolest writers+photographers.

Yeah...I am shooting high. Probably too high.

But I think I have good aim.